Holiday of a lifetime booked, in eight short days we have a week alone as a couple, first time in eight years, first time with no children, should be utter paradise ... yet I can feel the car crash coming, the tension brewing.
Already looking for the escape, came so close on Thursday to splitting up, being free, but what if it's purely the illusion of freedom I crave, is it worth tearing the familyapart for? For what, memories of lust touching my skin, penetrating my deepest desires, or is a true need to damage many lives forever?
And I do love him, always will, but there is, and always has been something missing, something 'he' had, something I crave at a primal level that I know I can't live the rest of my life without. Something I think my partner understands but doesn't know how to deal with. Yet, as a mother, this desire feels extraordinarily selfish and abhorrent, impossible even. I rationalise surviving another ten years, try to focus on the positive aspects, have more unsatisfactory sex, minismise 'him' as just the after effects of a crush. The affair was an explosive release after years of frustration, and when discovered a lid was quickly put on it, although the pressure is building more quickly this time, bubbling ferociously under the surface...
How long can I keep this supressed?
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